Glow-Boosters vs. Glow-Dimmers: How to Tell Who’s Really in Your Corner

✨ Glow Snapshot: Learn how to spot Glow-Boosters vs. Glow-Dimmers in your life, set better boundaries, and protect your confidence from comments and dynamics that quietly dim your glow.

The most unsettling “feedback” I’ve ever received didn’t come from a boss or a stranger online. It came from a close friend.

It took me a while to write about this—partly because it felt so personal, and partly because I kept second-guessing myself. Was I overreacting? Was I being too sensitive?

But the more I explored the question with others about close friendships and the kind of feedback we share, the more I realized: this happens a lot.

For a long time, I took this friend’s comments at face value. I assumed they didn’t mean them the way they sounded, or that they were really trying to help me “improve.” But then there was one phone call that changed how I saw what I had always considered a close friendship.

So I’m sharing my story in case it helps you recognize a similar pattern in your own life a little sooner—notice who may be intentionally (or unintentionally) dimming your glow—and decide whether they still belong in your inner circle.

When the Shade Tried to Overtake My Glow

Someone close to me called one day because they were feeling really down about themselves. So I did what I always do: I listened, I encouraged, I reminded them of their strengths.

Right in the middle of this pep talk, they casually dropped something like:

“Oh, by the way, someone you and I both know said that my résumé is more impressive than yours.”

They went on to explain why that was.

Even in the moment, something in me went, Huh?
Why are you telling me this?
And why now—while I’m literally trying to build you up?

Out loud, I chose my words carefully. I didn’t want to react too quickly, and I wasn’t about to get pulled into a comparison game. I kept my tone supportive and let the conversation move on.

It wasn’t until after I hung up—when my nervous system had a minute to catch up—that it really landed.

What was that actually about?

Once that question cracked the door open, more memories came rushing in: little digs about my Brooklyn accent (think a lighter version of Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny) and how that was supposedly keeping me from C-suite roles; “corrections” about words that were actually fine; comments that somehow always placed me just a bit below where I actually am.

On their own, each moment looked small.
Together, they formed a pattern.

This wasn’t constructive feedback meant to help me glow. It was an attempt to dim my glow just enough so they could feel a little brighter—but it didn’t work. What it did do was finally make the pattern click.

✨ Glow Gem

Protecting your glow doesn’t mean you think you’re perfect. It means you’ve decided your self-worth is not open for casual debate.

What Glow-Dimmers Sound Like

How do you tell when someone is trying to dim your glow?

Here are a few signs:

1. It shows up at strange times.
   They drop something that puts you on the back foot when you’re sharing good news, supporting them, or already feeling vulnerable.
   It can sound like:

“I’m so happy for your promotion. You are so good at managing up.”
(Translation: this has nothing to do with your actual skill.)

1. It’s wrapped in comparison.
   Someone else is “more impressive,” “more polished,” or “ahead” of you.
   The point isn’t growth; it’s ranking.
   

2. It’s vague and personal.
   “You just don’t come across as professional.”
   “People probably don’t take you seriously.”
   “That’s just how you are.”
   
   There’s no clear path to improve—just a judgment about you.
   

3. It targets identity, not behavior.
   Your accent, your background, your personality—things that are part of who you are—suddenly become “the problem.”

Their goal—whether it’s conscious or not—is that you walk away doubting yourself, replaying the comments, and wondering if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

What Glow-Boosters Sound Like

Glow-boosters have a very different feel.

1. They genuinely celebrate your wins.
   “Your promotion was so well-deserved. I’m so happy for you.”
   No backhand, no hidden disclaimer.

2. They give honest, constructive, and actionable feedback.
   Instead of, “Your accent doesn’t sound professional,” they might say, “When you were presenting on that one slide, you rushed the numbers and I didn’t connect the dots—that’s the one place I’d slow down.” Your ego might sting for a minute—growth can be uncomfortable—but underneath, you feel supported. There’s a sense of, They want me to win.

3. They lift you up when you’re doubting yourself.
   They remind you of your strengths, your progress, and how far you’ve already come, especially on the days you can’t see it yourself.

4. They feel like a true cheerleader (even when you’re not in the room).
   If that same résumé comment had been relayed by a Glow-Booster, it might’ve sounded more like:

“Honestly, I told them you and I have two very different backgrounds and career paths, and we’re both impressive in different ways. It’s not really something you can compare.”

Glow-boosters don’t need you to shrink for them to feel okay. They can hold your success and their own at the same time.

How to Protect Your Glow

Once you start noticing the difference, you can make different choices.

You’re allowed to:

• Filter the source.

  Not everyone’s commentary gets equal weight. Someone who consistently dims your glow doesn’t get to define you.

• Step out of the comparison game.

  When someone tries to pit you against another person—résumés, accomplishments, appearance—you can internally opt out.  “That’s not a game I’m playing.”

• Call out the behavior.

  Simply naming what’s happening—internally or out loud—takes away some of its power.
  To yourself, it might sound like: “That wasn’t feedback. That was a put-down.”
  If you’re ready to say something out loud, you could try:

  1. “That doesn’t feel very helpful.”

  2. “That sounds more like a dig than feedback.”

  3. “Can you rephrase that in a way that’s actually constructive?”

• Adjust access. Inner-circle access is earned. You can create distance, see them less, share less, or shift the role they play in your life. And no, you don’t have to hold a press conference to explain your decision. Quiet boundaries count too.

A Little Reflection for You

If you want to take this deeper, try journaling on a few questions:

• Who in my life leaves me consistently doubting myself after I talk to them?

• Where have I confused “they’re just honest” with “they’re repeatedly unkind”?

• Whose feedback genuinely helps me grow—and whose just makes me shrink?

• What is one tiny boundary I can set this week to protect my glow?

You deserve people who clap when you win, tell you the truth with kindness, and want you to shine—even if it means you shine just as brightly (or brighter) than they do.

Because at the end of the day:

Glow-boosters help you rise.
Glow-dimmers need you to be a few notches down.

You get to choose who stands closest to your light.